Sometimes there are moments in life that I find hard to verbally speak about…but I can write about it and I do want to share because it is a part of me and it blesses me when others speak about their challenging situations.
If you read my last post you know that September of 2016 I married my best friend and started a new life with Him that has been so full of adventure, challenges, misunderstandings, fun and great love. About three weeks after saying I do, we conceived and God blessed us with the gift of being pregnant. Which at sometimes the gift of being pregnant was very challenging 😅 but very rewarding.
For those moms out there or those who have also been pregnant before, you know what I mean when I say that your body really changes. Smelling is a totally new sensation, cravings are REAL (LOL), and the fatigue from a small life growing and developing inside of you hits you like a ton of bricks. But of course every single pregnancy is different unique and beautiful in its own way.
For me being pregnant was exciting, scary, mind blowing and an overall tremendous blessing. Exciting because my husband and I were used to create a little person that would have a piece of each of us. Scared because I felt like my body was a foreign place; it was not the same place I had dwelt for the past 25 years 😂..Mind blowing because there was a point in my life where I did not think I would ever be able to conceive yet alone be pregnant. And a blessing because it felt like I was living out a part of my God given purpose of being married by being fruitful and multiplying.
Well, the week before Christmas I was experiencing some abnormal situations in my pregnancy. And as I rushed to the ER the Saturday before Christmas I had a slight fear that was overcome with an encouraging peace that everything would be alright. We sat in the ER for over three hours. I saw an ultrasound of my 11 week lil’ nugget and he (or she) was perfectly fine; even gave me and my husband a little wave. I went home with peace of mind knowing that although my body seemed to be not okay that my baby was. The whole week though I was experiencing discomfort and extreme fatigue I was holding on to the calming thought that everything was okay.
That Friday I had a routine Doctor appointment with a wonderful OB. Him and my husband joked in the ultrasound room and bonded over dress shoes (it’s like I wasn’t even there 🙄). He asked me to lay down pulled out his (cold) gel, put the device over my womb and let out the two sounds that I absolutely did not expect in that moment…”uh oh” the words that came after that were like a dream…”I think you may have miscarried…” I was in shock…it didn’t really sink in that he was saying that the worst case scenario had actually happened. He left the room to get another device to confirm if this had happened and came back in the room to confirm that we had indeed miscarried… and I felt the tears fall down my face.
My husband was immediately by my side he held me in a way that felt like he was holding everything together before it all crumbled and fell to the floor. The doctor stepped out again and returned with some of the most comforting words for that moment. He explained that it wasn’t my fault, that it was a common thing that many couples went through this and that at the point in my pregnancy it was my body’s way of protecting against developing a baby with a lot of complications.
For whatever reason God had a different plan. I am grieved that my baby is not inside of me anymore growing and causing my body to feel like a foreign dwelling place. I come to tears thinking of the fact that so many people have so personally and lovingly prayed and showered my husband and I with love in the announcement of our pregnancy. Some of the kindest and encouraging things have been shared with us, in how much hope others have for the kind of parents we will be and the type of child we will have…and in this time I still hold on to that.
I still hold on to the fact that God is a miracle worker and that He is sovereign and that He has sweet promises for my life. That He blessed me with such a loving and wonderful man this year to be my husband. That I still have my life, I still have opportunities to live for Him and to share His love and to grow to know Him more. In this time, though it’s tough, God has shown me great love through some of His children and through His word. I am holding on to His word in Psalm 34 and I know that God is indeed near to those who are brokenhearted and that I can still stand and worship Him through some of the toughest times.
So, yes my baby is no longer growing inside of me and that can be sad but I am trusting God through this time. I am loving Him so much for the blessing of being able to conceive and that the baby experienced love and had a warm little spot for three months 😊. I share this not to spread sadness or to try and make others sad as we move into 2017, but to just share how God moves in our hardest times. How He is definitely there when our hearts hurt. How we can have faith even when we don’t fully understand.
I don’t know why God saw fit that my pregnancy would end now…but I trust Him. He loves me and I will never leave Him. So as I take this time and this healing process day by day, I am continually trying to take my questions and my requests to God. He is here with my husband and I through every situation; we love Him. So though we are not “expecting a baby to come next July, we are still expecting for our God to do great things in our lives.
“Oh magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name together!” Psalm 34:3
#seekHimf1rst #trialsmakeusstronger #Psalm34 #loveisliftingme #faith #trustingHim #stillexpecting