This newest step in my journey with Christ has brought me to and through some extremely shocking and extremely uncomfortable moments. Extremely shocking because I did not think I would be facing or overcoming the battles that I did in the season I was in. And uncomfortable because it was a trial and trials (let’s be honest…) are uncomfortable.
So I wanted to come back to the blog after just recognizing some of what I’ve gone through and to really focus on this gift of blogging that God has given to me to be busy with. 😉
SO! On September 8, 2016 I had the most awesome opportunity to marry my best friend. From our relationship, to our engagement, to wedding planning and even the ceremonies and celebrations, God has been faithful and overflowing in blessings and favor. There have been challenges through all the joy but all have been tiny battles. At least being on the other side of them they seem small. Except for this most recent challenge which shook me to my core…all the while bringing me so humbly to my knees and with a new focus.
About a month into our marriage things were going extremely well. I have never experienced so much happiness, excitement, joy, love, laughter, it’s been AMAZING! Then we came into our first little moment of uncontrolled frustration and anger…and it MESSED ME UP.
I felt shook up. One, because I didn’t understand why I had to experience this moment so early in our marriage lol and I didn’t understand why I felt as intensely upset and I just wanted it to be over. It was messy…but in this mess I learned some very important things.
One of those being to seek first the kingdom. I don’t say that as a cliche at all. I take the Lord’s commands very practically. And in this moment I was reminded in a jolted way that I was not seeking His kingdom first. In fact I had begun to operate in the mindset that my current situation was because of what I had done and what I deserved. There was a sweet moment (which in that state of mind I couldn’t embrace or appreciate) where I had stumbled upon Deuteronomy 9 which speaks to how the Lord was going to bring Israel victory and favor but it wasn’t because of their righteousness it was because of His plan and His power. But for the Israelites to fully be present in the moment, they had to seek the Lord and focus on His plan. This moment reminded me how in my happiness I had somewhat lost sight of His kingdom being clouded by the favor the Lord had bestowed on us.
Deuteronomy 9:4 After the Lord your God has driven them out before you, do not say to yourself, “The Lord has brought me here to take possession of this land because of my righteousness.” No, it is on account of the wickedness of these nations that the Lord is going to drive them out before you.
Getting through the moment took time, took prayer, took days, but most of all it took GOD. It reminded me and brought me back to the truth that God had brought us together in marriage in union for His purpose. Yes, there are fruits and benefits from what God has done but it was a reminder that the Lord had “brought us here for a purpose” and we couldn’t act as if the Lord had brought us here because we deserved it or had worked hard because it’s by His sovereign power. That focus that perspective really helps and makes it easy in challenging times, discussions and moments.
Nevertheless, I am not sure how this lesson will play into future battles or how God will eventually use our marriage. But in this season I am learning to be still to seek Him first, to give Him my attention, my eyes, my ears so that He can use me all for His glory. It’s not easy, I don’t always do it, but by His grace and mercy I’m living and I’m trying.
So I encourage you through your frustrations, through your most intense feelings of emotions, through your most disastrous and darkest thoughts…seek first what God says about it. Don’t brush it off, don’t hide your emotions (I am learning that lesson day by day)…bring all that you are all that you feel to God read His word and allow your heart to truly be touched and pricked by His great love and power. I type this mostly for myself, but pray that it encourages someone else. Until the next one.
#f1rst #seekHim #Deut9 #Matt6